Right from the onset of puberty, I started to have very intense masochistic desires and tendencies towards women. When I was age 14 at secondary school, me and a close friend at the time, discovered that we were both heterosexual male masochists, and that we had the same sexual fantasies and desires about women. I would often titillate and entertain this friend, by inventing wild erotic stories of sexually dominant women entrapping, enslaving, and dominating men, for their pleasure and amusement. He loved these stories, told me that I was very intelligent, and that I should become a writer.
Unfortunately, he had problems understanding and accepting his masochist sexuality, and because there were no females at our school or of our own age in our lives, he wanted me to play the part of the dominatrix towards him. I did this a few times, but after a while, I decided that I wasn’t comfortable with it, and that it was somewhat homosexual. As a result of all of this, he told some other kids at my school that I "Liked being bossed around by women". This resulted in me being bullied at school by a gang of kids, although it was mostly mental and emotional bullying, and although I was physically harassed, I wasn’t physically hurt or beaten.
I continued to fantasise about being whipped by women, and I made up a story to an acquaintance at school, that I had joined a witches coven, and that one of the female witches had whipped me. This news got back to my older brother, who told me that I had embarrassed him, and that I shouldn’t say things like that as people would think I was mad.
When I was 15, I sent a masochistic love letter to a local young woman who was a few years older than me, and who was the elder daughter of my parents friends. I told her in the letter that she was a goddess and that I wanted to bow down to her and worship her. I was mocked and teased for this by my mum, who told me in front of my dad that I wouldn’t know what to do sexually with a woman. My dad very kindly told my mum not to be so prejudiced, and not to say this to me, and from then on she never mentioned it.
When I was 16 my dad bought me a Citizens Band Radio. On the CB Radio, I often conversed with and eventually met up with a much older woman of 25 years, and who upon my first meeting with her, invited me into her bedroom. She told me to wait ten minutes in her lounge, and then to come up into her bedroom, and that she had a surprise for me.
When I entered the 25 year old woman’s bedroom, she was lying on her back on her bed, naked, except for fishnet stockings, and she just laid there submissively with her arms above her head. She asked me to lay on top of her, and when I asked her what she wanted me to do, she replied "Just go mad!". Her submissiveness absolutely repulsed me, and I was completely unable to sexually please or satisfy her. From then on, I spoke to her a few times more on the CB Radio, but I never saw her again, and I realised more directly that sexual submissiveness in women repulsed and disgusted me.
A few months later, I spoke to another woman on CB Radio, who was a very attractive young woman and a couple of years older than me. I was planning to meet her and her female friend, and as I had irritated and annoyed her during part of the conversation, I said to her that she better bring along a whip with her and punish me for my irritation and annoyance.
I said this mainly in jest, but was surprised to hear her say that she did have a horse whip, and that she was going to whip the living daylights out of me when she saw me. When I met her in the street, she immediately ordered me to bend over, and she whipped me about twenty to thirty times on my backside, whipping me so hard that she broke the horsewhip in half. She screamed orgasmically as she was whipping me, and I screamed in both pain and pleasure, and I found this to be the most pleasurable thing that I had ever experienced, but unfortunately, I never spoke to her again on CB Radio as she was not a very frequent user, and I think she may have had a boyfriend.
When I was 23, I had formed a nice friendship with my friend’s wife at the time, who was a very lovely and very sweet and friendly woman, who genuinely and sincerely cared a lot about me. After she left my friend and broke off her relationship with him, she continued to hang around with a group of local hippies, of whom I had fallen out with, as they didn’t seem to like me very much, and I wasn’t too keen on most of them.
At some stage, these hippies had abandoned her, and so she came to my bedsit room to sympathise and empathise with me about it. After a short conversation about this, she then ordered me to strip off and then took off her clothes, and it turned out that she was the most amazing female dominant who knew exactly what to do and what to demand from me.
We fooled around a lot with BDSM role-play, for about half an hour or so, and also kissed and hugged, but I never had sexual intercourse with her, as although she lay on top of me all of the time, she wanted me to fuck her and straight away, and I didn’t feel comfortable with this. Also, after BDSM role-play and foreplay, after telling me she was single, she confessed that she was actually going out with another guy who was one of the hippies, as if this would turn me on, and make me want to have sexual intercourse with her.
Previous to her confession, she wouldn’t let me go down on her, and which I found very disappointing, but she let me kiss her feet after I had washed them for her, and she smiled very sadistically at me whilst I was down on my knees grovelling to her.
Unfortunately, shortly after all of this, she moved up north to live with her son, away from her ex-husband who was occasionally harassing her. My friend found out about me going with his ex-wife, and at first he was a bit angry about it, but I told him that he wasn’t going out with her at the time, and in any case, I didn’t have sexual intercourse with her, and since then he has been absolutely fine about it.
Five years ago, I was drinking beer with a friend in a local restaurant after pub-drinking hours, and my friend was quite drunk and tired and left the restaurant, leaving me and two couples in the restaurant bar. I got into a very brief conversation with one of the very attractive women who approached me, telling her that I was lonely because I was sexually submissive to women, and that I found it very hard to find a suitable partner. From that moment on, she very firmly ordered me down on my hands and knees, and had me licking her boots clean, and doing all kinds of wild foolish and humiliating things, whilst her and her female friend dominated me.
I don’t wish to go into details here about this, but the whole thing developed into a wild double-femmedomme session, with their boyfriends watching and giggling about it the whole time. One of these women moved back to her hometown, but I had about three or four other BDSM sessions in the restaurant very late at night with the other very attractive woman, and with her boyfriend, a few local male punters, and my friend present, and who all found it all highly amusing and entertaining. When my friend asked the restaurant owner what he thought about it all, he replied that he thought I needed psychiatric help.
I have tried many, many, times in my life to change the fact that I am a heterosexual male masochist, and with many different approaches, but I just cannot change it. I have always accepted myself though, as it has been some other people who cannot understand or accept me.
I believe that whilst some aspects of male masochism are socially conditioned, it is overwhelmingly natural in most male masochists, and perhaps male masochism is sometimes socially conditioned out of some people or suppressed.