Heterosexual Male Masochism

When I was about 28 years old, I saw two counsellors for about a year - one female and one male - one of whom was a gay man, and the other who never declared her sexual orientation, although I suspect she was bisexual. A great deal of the sessions revolved around the male therapist, who was gay, and the female therapist who constantly colluded with him and backed him up, saying that I was gay and should join a local gay club, and they both tried to twist my words and bully me into doing this. I tried explaining to him, that I was heterosexual, attracted towards women, and liked being sexually dominated by women, but he just couldn't understand or relate to this, and he thought that heterosexual masochism was to do with a master-slave relationship, and he saw it in very masculine and gay terms, and in terms of unequal relationships.

Masochism, as I've said before in some of my articles, is about a love of femininity or assertive femininity in women, and nothing to do with attraction towards masculinity, or unequal relationships. As a second choice, a male masochist might choose a slightly butch or masculine woman, but as a first choice he will always choose a very feminine woman. If there is a lack or deprivation of sexually dominant women, or of women in general, then the male masochist will sometimes take upon himself the characteristics of a sexually dominant woman, and sometimes turn this on upon himself or others, but this is due to oppression and repression, and from deprivation from women sexually and socially.

I am not a homophobe, and I dislike homophobia, but I realise that some gay people can try to proselytise heterosexual men who are sexually different, into becoming gay, when they aren't gay and can't be. This is because they are ignorant and prejudiced about things like heterosexual masochism, and because they can't understand other people who are sexually different in other ways than their own. Also, homosexuality can be due to repression and deprivation from female company, as this happens a lot when men are isolated alone or together, as in boarding schools, all-boys schools, and prisons, but it does not necessarily mean that those men are gay.

What occurs to me about a lot of homophobia, is that it always refers to anal sex between gay men, in order to put gay men down as abnormal, dirty, ridiculous, and inferior. This is reductionist, ignorant, and hypocritical, as a lot of so-called normal heterosexual men and women practise anal sex together, with the men anal penetrating the women, or sometimes even with the men receiving some sort of anal sex from their female lovers or partners. It is reductionist because not only anal sex is practised by gay men with one another. I also find it irritating and annoying that homosexuality, and other sexual orientations such as heterosexual masochism, are only seen as sexual, when friendship, love, and romance are a part of all human love-relationships.

I have found it hard to find suitable female sexual-love partners in my life, due to the fact that I am a heterosexual masochist, and the vast majority of women are submissive sexually towards men. I find sexual submission towards men by women repulsive, and there are very few women around who are sexually dominant or sexually assertive towards men.

I've had some sexual activity in the past, with a woman who was both sexually dominant and submissive (sometimes called "a switch" in the BDSM community), but I didn't like her wanting to be submissive towards me sexually, and I couldn't mutually agree to or practise that. I was also once sexually dominated by two women in an Indian restaurant. I went there about four or five times, and was sexually dominated by both of the women together at first, then by one of the women about four times on separate occasions, but at one stage this women got off on punching me in the face, and I didn't like that. She also seemed to get off on dominating me in front of other men, and which I didn't feel comfortable with. I agree with the BDSM community, that BDSM activity and sex should be "Safe, sane, and consensual".

There have been many famous men throughout history who have been heterosexual masochists. Sacher-Masoch was one such person, and he wrote the excellent novel Venus in Furs, and I which would recommend for anyone to read. The French Socialist, Jean Jacques Rousseau, was also a masochist, and like myself he found it hard to find sexual and love partners in his life.

Masochism and Human Rights

I am a masochist, and whilst I reject the label as an overall description, because it is just my sexuality and not the whole of my personality, and whilst I believe that it's an inadequate label that creates some misconceptions and confusion, masochism is a very important and intrinsic part of me, and which requires some clarification and explanation, especially in context to civil and human rights. I want masochists to have the same rights that gay people and other sexual groups have in society, but the lack of rights and protection stems from misconceptions and ignorance about masochism.

It's unfortunate that the term masochism - coined after the masochist writer Sacher Masoch, who wrote the novel Venus in Furs - is interpreted as meaning gaining sexual pleasure from pain, mistreatment, and humiliation. This interpretation is somewhat misleading and false, and does not describe the normal or loving aspects of masochism. It is therefore an outdated term, but until another term comes along, we are left with the old one and which is commonly recognised and accepted.

First of all, I would like to clear up some myths and misconceptions about male masochism. Male masochism is not about a master-slave relationship, nor about attributing masculine characteristics to women. Neither is it about imposing male fantasies and ideas upon women. Masochism is about a worship, love, and appreciation of femininity or assertive femininity in women, and about a role or power exchange. It is about a reciprocation and equality of power, and unlike a lot of radical feminism does not seek to make women more masculine and turn women into men. Neither is masochism internalised oppression or due to powerlessness and social inequality in society. Masochists come from all social and economic backgrounds and societies, and it's quite possible for a masochist to be assertive socially, emotionally, and intellectually, and empowered, whilst still being receptive and submissive towards women sexually. Neither does masochism mean that masochists are unable to assert and express their emotions, as some psychotherapists claim, as we are still quite capable of doing this.

Neither is male masochism and female sexual assertiveness about sexual inequality, as male masochism can be about suspending or delaying the male orgasm so as to be more socially equal and productive, and in order to completely and utterly please and satisfy a woman, and thus to achieve mutual pleasure and happiness and a more equal relationship. A woman being more assertive sexually and emotionally, and a man being more submissive and receptive, is actually advocated by the relationship advice and support organisation Relate who say it makes for better, happier, more intimate and more satisfactory and equal relationships.

Another myth and misconception about masochism is that it is a form of self-harm. This stems from the fact that masochists and non-masochists are often driven to acts of self destruction due to oppression, coercion, and violence, and because our needs and rights as masochists are still not recognised and implemented in present society. This needs to change.

Another myth about male masochism and female sexual assertiveness, is that these characteristics and qualities are socially conditioned by being punished or abused in childhood. Whilst the violent aspects of male masochism and female domination or sadism, are socially conditioned by abuse, the aspects involving violence within role play, are first and foremost dramatic or part of a game, and are overall achieved through a mutual agreement or contract, and practised through mutual consent, and are not inflicted or enforced against a person's will or choice. This is central to the fact that masochism is a different sexuality, like homosexuality or bisexuality, and should therefore be recognised as such, and have social and political policies protecting the rights of masochists not to be misused and abused by society and by people in authority and power.

The aspects of loving and affectionate submissiveness on behalf of men towards women, and the ability to receive, respond, or appreciate this on behalf of women, are entirely natural and normal, and are a part of most normal loving relationships.

Venus Rising

Mistress Toni:Come here my loving servant!

Peter:At your service the Mistress, I worship and adore you.

Mistress Toni:I’m nonchalant and reclining, so I hope you’ve brought something to keep me cool.
Peter: Of course great and wondrously creative Mistress Toni, I brought you a fan for me to keep you cool, and your paints and canvas. I bow again and again to your great skill and graceful beauty.

Mistress Toni:Stand up straight for me Peter, and relax.

Peter: Anything for you, oh great and wise Mistress Toni. Mistress Toni: Not once have you expressed your emotions to me, and I want you to in future - in fact I demand that you do!

Peter:I have expressed my feelings with you through your art and our unique relating and social interacting, but I’m not as emotionally strong as you are, and I could never match your emotional intelligence - you’d outwit me every time.

Mistress Toni: This is not a competition - I’m the Mistress, and I demand that you express your emotions and feelings towards me in future.

Peter: Of course Mistress Toni.

Mistress Toni: You may hate me for it .. ahh .. or you may love me even more than you do now ... mmm .. and I might be far away in my thoughts about you, whilst you are suffering and yearning in abstraction without me.

Peter: But you said that it wasn’t a competition?

Mistress Toni:Stand up straight for me and relax!

Peter:How can I stand up straight and relax?

Mistress Toni:You’re an exception!

Peter:But the Mistress’s pleasure .. I mean your pleasure Mistress Toni, always has to come first - it’s built into my genes, and that’s the way I experience pleasure and love - and yet you expect me to initiate my feelings towards you first .. there’s no possibility of a displacement of bad feelings towards you, unless that’s what you expect from me .. I’m unique.

Mistress Toni:Who is the most unique here?

Peter:You are Mistress Toni, you are so unique and I would never stifle your uniqueness or creativity .. I love and understand you so much.

Mistress Toni:And I make you unique don’t I?!

Peter:Yes Mistress Toni, you’re a teleological perfectionist.

Mistress Toni:You will express your emotions and feelings towards me in future, exactly as you experience them. You will get it wrong of course .. ha ha ha ha, and I will have to punish you with cold eyes or spoken kisses.

Peter:Erm? ...

Mistress Toni: Speak your mind Peter, and don’t be shy.

Peter:Well, before we used to believe that we could be anything, and now we believe that we could be nothing and yet everything, and so belief itself is now nothing but a suspension of meaning, place, and time. It’s like abstract art, and I don’t like abstract art if it’s just abstract for the sake of it - it avoids meaning like the plague!


Peter:Well what is it then? .. Monet, a Picasso, or Surrealism perhaps - like Magrite my favourite artist - yes surrealism, because things really are surreal, and that’s what I’ve been saying all along.

Mistress Toni:It’s best that we don’t know what we are - then there’s more possibility of intimacy and detachment - are you cross questioning me?!

Peter:No .. all right it’s a stupid analogy.

Mistress Toni:It’s not a stupid analogy, and you didn’t even initiate it or suggest it! Bow to me!

Peter:Sorry Mistress Toni, I hope you are pleased with me, your male slave .. I lay at your feet in my thoughts and feelings ready to please and serve you.

Mistress Toni: So we’re in agreement then aren’t we.

Peter:Yes Mistress Toni. I love modern art, and relationships are indeed somewhat abstract and very creative.

Mistress Toni:So if you painted a picture, what person would you be?

Peter:A loyal, wise, and foolish person, humble and obedient towards you.

Mistress Toni:No you wouldn’t!

Peter:Social roles do you mean?

Mistress Toni:Not social roles! Social roles are not isolated or abstract things! Paint for me, paint for me, paint for me .. and then sing for me, sing for me, sing for me .. and then dance for me, dance for me, dance for me .. and then dream for me, dream for me, dream for me. Then pray for me, pray for me, pray for me .. then stray for me, stray for me, stray for me .. and then fade for me, fade for me, fade for me .. and return for me, return for me, return for me, fade for me and return into reduction and abstraction!

Peter:That’s poetry! You’re a fantastic and marvellous poet Mistress Toni, and I adore and worship you more than ever .. symbolically of course.

Mistress Toni: Only symbolically?

Peter:Yes, because I love cubism .. it moves and yet remains still on canvas - it’s structure is abstract, and yet its content is fluid and meaningful without paradox or rigidity, and that’s what you are to me.

Mistress Toni:I like that. But what would your role be in such a painting or display of timelessness and non-precision?

Peter:There are no roles.

Mistress Toni:Ahh, exactly. Oh, but there must be roles of a kind .. mmm .. what are they? Ha ha ha ha ha ha! What are they? Where are they? Who are they? You don’t know do you?

Peter: Well, I don’t think you believe in roles.

Mistress Toni: Satisfy me! Patronise me! Gratify me! Edify me! Certify me! Defy me! Delight me! Incite me! Recite me! Excite me! Insight me! Slight me! Light me! Heighten me! Flight me! Brighten me! Enlighten me! Submit with me!

Peter:More poetry Mistress Toni - you’re a genius and a great artist in your own right.

Mistress Toni:Did I ask you to start painting? Let me initiate what you paint, feel, think, and say. I’ll say what you are, and then you’ll paint it for me - but it’s for me! I don’t want cubism, abstract art, or surrealism - anything and everything must go - and return!

Peter: Everything and nothing in return Mistress Toni, and I demand it for you!

Mistress Toni: Ha ha ha ha! .. no you don’t demand anything! Try again - choose another colour for me. What colour are you craving.

Peter:The colour of impure ideas, because I don’t like purity. Out of the muddy pond a lotus flower blooms, but it has no seeds - it is the symbol of everlasting love and life, and yet it changes and reinvents itself, diminishes, and yet keeps on growing.

Mistress Toni: Am I pure to you?

Peter: No, you are like the lotus flower, oh most wise and beautiful Mistress.

Mistress Toni: But the flower is symbolic?

Peter:It refuses to allow others to clone, level, or fashion the way that it relates and unrelates to the pond, the sky, the ocean, and the silver clouds.

Mistress Toni: And that’s how you see me?

Peter: That’s how I’d like to see you, but I am far away into abstraction. Can’t you see me?, can’t you see me?, can’t you see me?

Mistress Toni:I see nothing.

Peter:That’s because you haven’t told me what to paint yet, and I’m still waiting.

Mistress Toni: I’m not asking you to paint anything, but asking you what you would paint if I were to ask you to.

Peter: Oh great wise and beautiful Mistress, I have learnt that there is no single image of me, unless it comes from you. I have learnt that there is no single canvass, unless it comes from me.

Mistress Toni: So it’s a bit of a variety act is it?!

Peter: Yes Mistress Toni.

Mistress Toni:Then paint for me, paint for me, paint for me .. and then sing for me, sing for me, sing for me .. and then dance for me, dance for me, dance for me .. and then dream for me, dream for me, dream for me. Then pray for me, pray for me, pray for me .. then stray for me, stray for me, stray for me .. and then fade for me, fade for me, fade for me and return, fade for me and return into reduction and abstraction.

The Dutch Film Version of Venus in Furs

Yesterday, I watched the Dutch dubbed version of Venus in Furs, although it had been a while since I had seen it, because previously I had it on video, but now I have it on DVD. I thought the film was quite good, in that it showed the problems BDSM couples can sometimes have with staying sane, safe, and consensual, and how female sexual domination can sometimes get out of hand, and spill over into non-consented violence.

I've had some first-hand experience of this when I was slapped, spanked, humiliated, and dominated by two female dominants in an Indian restaurant, called Dawn and Kate, where some of the humiliation and slapping (which led to punching by Dawn) became non-consensual and got a bit out of hand. One of the female dominants called Dawn, also became very jealous of the other one called Kate, shouting at me that she taught Kate everything she knew about female domination.

I wonder, did she dominate Kate to teach her how to do this?, or was she submissive towards her? Truth is, it was Kate who initiated the whole thing, came up with the most imaginative ideas, and started the whole thing off. Dawn also didn't seem to like me being affectionate and submissive towards her, whereas Kate was very comfortable with this and enjoyed it.

Dawn also assumed the whole time that I was completely mad, and she treated me in a way that she thought mad people should be treated - that is - to be made fools and spectacles out of for so-called normal people's amusement and entertainment. Because she thought I was completely mad, she never communicated or interacted with me in conversation, and she was very cold and one-sided in that respect, preferring to keep me at a distance in order to perpetuate the mad stereotype.

The Dutch film version of Venus in Furs, also showed how female dominants will sometimes try to seek male dominants, although they are more suited towards male masochists and submissives, and how male masochists will also sometimes try to become male dominants to suit their dominant female partners, or to use this against them if they experience some sort of betrayal. The film differed from the book though, in that Wanda the female dominant is shown to have a female lover, to which she is shown to be submissive towards, whilst she ties her male masochist lover Severin up, and gets a male dominant to whip and brand him against his desires and wishes.

The film didn't explain much about female domination and male masochism, but as an artistic piece of work it was moody, atmospheric, and in a way unique.

Masochism and the New Man

I think that being dominated by women sexually, can transform masochist men into becoming new men. The new man develops and progresses, by surrendering his ego to the sexually dominant woman or women, and develops a new sense of creativity, knowledge, wisdom, loyalty, and love. There is a process to this.

Whilst I adore, worship, and love women, I do find that a lot of women are unable to engage intellectually with men, or are intellectually null or despotic. Some women aren't like this, but then they are freaks of nature, much like myself. I was discussing with a friend of mine about something with a female friend, and because he disagreed with her, she took this as a personal attack and insult, and turned a bit nasty saying he was just drunk. This has happened to me with a lot of women, that women take a disagreement or debate as a personal attack and insult and then turn nasty.

Whilst I like being sexually dominated by women, I don't like being intellectually dominated, and one thing I will never surrender or submit is my intellect, and my freedom of thought and speech. As well as having a natural submissiveness, I also think that I have a certain pride and intellectual mastery, which makes women in general want to dominate and humiliate me. I am however also a receptor and filter for unique knowledge which I get from women, as well as having my own findings and unique knowledge, and there can also be sharing and give and take on intellectual matters.

I'm also interested in the spiritual, and gender aspects, of masochism and female sexual domination. Masochist men tend to absorb femininity, and thus increase it in women, whereas dominant men tend to project their masculinity upon women and diminish women's femininity. Women tend to rebel against this masculinity projection though, and which is one reason why they like to reassert their femininity by dominating masochist and sexually submissive men.

When I fall in love with sexually dominant women or women, it is like a spiritual worship and love, and I become completely absorbed by the woman who rules me entirely. There is also a synchronicity and mutual exchange of knowledge between masochist and sexually submissive men and sexually dominant women, and which transforms knowledge into something more balanced, productive, shared, and more creative.